girls, girls, girls

So I'm investigating my lesbian side again.  Gerard and I have gone back and forth on this a bit, but in the end I made a profile on a dating site that welcomes casual encounters and thereby opened myself up to casual affairs with women.  And other avenues might be opening soon as well.

Over the years, I've gone back and forth about whether I should identify as bisexual or not.  For a while, I thought not.  Before Gerard and I met, I had had sex with two women, but both experiences were part of a threesome in which the women's husbands were also present and part of the encounter.  I have also had some sexually intimate experiences with my female best friend, but those felt playful and exploratory, grounded in our love as friends more than anything, erotic as they were.  I do remember getting a little thrill when I went to the doctor and checked off the box for both "men" and "women" when they asked me who I have sex with... but I held back from really identifying as bisexual.

Part of the reason for that is that I felt that I didn't have a right to claim myself as a part of the LGBTQ community... I guess because I had never really considered pursuing a woman as a life partner.  I have all the societal privileges of being a straight girl, and I don't think I am attracted enough to women in general to give that up.  It just didn't seem right to pretend to be part of this group if I was never going to have to go through the challenges that are inherent to living a public alternative lifestyle.

It was Gerard who really changed my mind about this.  He just loves that I have a history that includes encounters with women, and that I talk with him about women that I find attractive or sexy.  Eventually he started encouraging me to seek out casual dating and sex with women.  After an amazingly sexy one-time experience with a woman a little over a year ago, I saw that I had more flexibility than I thought I had.

I still feel restraints from my hetero-normative privilege, though they started to seem less central to my argument against the term "bisexual."  There were other arguments that seemed more salient, but they were starting to dissipate fast starting a few months ago.  "But," I had argued to myself, Gerard, or my best friend, "I don't really like giving oral sex to women, at least so far... I don't crave it or wish for it."  The counter-argument is that lots of straight people don't like giving oral sex, but they don't assume that they are gay.  "But," I argued again, "I seem to only be attracted to women who are dominant or who are comfortable assuming a more masculine role."  Again, I was reminded that plenty of people are only drawn to a certain "type," but that doesn't change their sexual orientation.

So then I realized that I was being pretty silly.  Yes, I am bisexual.

That eventually led me to my encounter earlier this year with the beautiful dominatrix.  I couldn't deny anything after that.  Nor could I deny how sad I was when she told me that she couldn't see me anymore, because she wanted to focus on finding a long-term partner instead of just fooling around.

I left the idea of pursuing women alone for a little while.  And then a few weeks ago I started my online profile, only available to other women who wanted to sleep with women.

Soon after that, I heard from my beautiful dominatrix.  She and I were getting together one night for drinks, to talk about something that seemed business-related.  But the meeting location changed from a bar to her apartment.  And then we were there alone, sitting on her couch, flirting.  She has a boyfriend now-- she's had one for several months.  And as we smiled at each other across her couch she let me know that she and her boyfriend had decided to "open things up."  She was available to play again.

We didn't go anywhere that night physically, because she had friends coming over, and they arrived right as I thought she was going to make a move.  But I left her apartment about an hour later feeling extremely amped up.  Her breasts were so beautiful... her legs... I don't think I have ever looked at a woman and responded in that way.  It made my head spin, to be honest.  I made it clear to her that I was interested in getting together again, and the ball is now firmly in her court.  I am still crossing my fingers that she will reach out and say that she's ready for me.

In the meanwhile, I do have a date tonight, with a woman that found me on the dating site.  I don't know what is in store... Despite my history with women (the breadth of which I am rather proud of) I've never been with a lesbian before-- they've all been straight or bisexual-identified.  From her pictures I can't tell anything about how physically attracted to her I will be, but I know that she sounds very interesting-- like someone I would want to be friends with.  And she pursued me... she said that she "enjoyed" my profile several times.  Since I go ahead and say that I am submissive on the profile, I think that might be a good sign.  So we will see what happens.

Gerard is thrilled about all of this.  In his fantasies, I hook up with a woman of a type that *he* would be attracted to-- young-looking, feminine, vulnerable, corruptible-- you know, like ME.  It's a little bit disappointing to him that the type of women that I seem to be most attracted to and compatible with are the ones who are more dominant and masculine.  (I haven't been involved with anyone who was masculine in appearance or general demeanor, but all the women I've explored with since Gerard has known me have enjoyed playing a more masculine role that bounces off of my extreme femininity.)  But since he's not along for the date anyway, he can change any details he wants in his fantasies.  And that seems to have a powerfully positive effect.

So, there you go.  I'll report back about my date, and hopefully have something to share about my dominatrix soon as well.  Girls, girls, girls.  What a fun diversion!