Gerard and I think that what we're going through is probably not uncommon. Probably lots of couples go through this, but probably most of them don't try to write sex blogs!
I used to write about us fighting a lot. Well, we don't do that anymore. We got over the strain of learning to live together, of being scared of committing to each other. We still have arguments, but they are much less frequent and much less escalated. Considering the amount of stress that we're under and the close quarters in which we're both living and working, I think we're doing awesome.
Yeah, we're not having any problem in the companionship area. We love each other. We're talking more often about our plan to eventually get married and have a baby, and we're both getting a little bit less freaked out by that every time we discuss it. We support each other, we work together, we nurture each other... we spend more time together than probably either of us would prefer, but we're making the most of that (in most ways, anyway). I can say this unequivocally: We're happy.
We're also affectionate. We hug a lot. We snuggle. We touch each other. Gerard likes to spank me a little bit every day. We say that we love each other. He sings me songs; I tell him why I think he's special. We have no shortage of affection.
But what we do have a shortage of is SEX. Sometimes I can't believe that we once had the most amazing sex I'd ever had in my entire life. Yesterday my best friend told me this story about the mind-bending sex she had with her lover, and I couldn't even imagine what that might feel like. It's been more than three weeks since the last time that I had Gerard inside of me, and sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy.
Turns out that he's sexually frustrated too. He wants to have sex too. But somehow we're not doing it. I feel like I initiate with some regularity... but it doesn't work that well when I do. We both like it when he's the aggressor. We have better sex when he's the one doing the pursuing, and I'm capitulating to his desires (at least, that's the story we tell ourselves-- and it works!). But he's not feeling it. He says he just doesn't feel turned on.
I think some of the problem is intimacy. Intimacy is scary. Before he moved in, we always had the distance between our apartments to keep things from getting more intimate than we were ready for. Then he moved in, and we had fighting to keep us from getting too intimate. But now... now we're here together all the time and we're not fighting. We're more intimate than we've ever been. Maybe regular sex would just be more closeness than either of us can handle right now.
But, presumably, we could both work on our intimacy issues and eventually it wouldn't feel so scary anymore, and we'd start having that crazy-perfect sex that was once one of our defining features. That's the theory that I'm trying to believe in.
In the meanwhile, we have to come up with strategies to help us improve. Gerard likes it when I explore with girls, so I hit Craig's List last night. He also asked me to touch him in certain ways more frequently. I gave him some feedback about the way that he touches me too. And we're just going to try to be more open to each other.
Because, I'd like to say... having a little intrigue with other people occasionally is fun and titillating, but what I really want-- what I want more than anything else-- is Gerard. It all starts and ends with him.
Anyway, when I started this blog I said I was going to write about the reality of a long-term relationship between two people who know they're sensitive and damaged. You readers saw us overcome our fighting and my depression... so now we've got a new problem. And here I am being embarrassingly honest about it.
I hope you see us get through this one as well.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
postponed
Well, I have been postponed by my would-be part-time casual mistress, perhaps forever.
I have to respect her for being honest with me, and for her reasons for backing away. She said that even though she enjoys playing around, she's realized that her real goal is to have a long-term partner. So because of that she's not sure how she feels about casual play anymore. She's also in graduate school, and she has a lot on her plate right now. She asked me if we could talk about it again in a month, giving her some time to figure out what she feels and wants.
So I totally get where she's coming from. Don't we all want that kind of connection in our lives? It's true that casual playing around can distract a person from the quest for an actual partner, and I would never want to deny her that. But wow, am I disappointed.
She emailed me after that last meeting, you know, and said that there were a lot of things she was interested in doing with me. Oral sex, she mentioned, and fucking me with her strap-on, and discipline-related stuff. Being with her was so exhilarating; I was imagining what I would wear when next I saw her, and fantasizing about what she might want me to wear. I didn't even try to imagine what it would be like to be fucked by her-- I was saving that until the moment when I could actually experience it and know. I loved our age difference-- she's nine years older than me, just like Gerard-- and I loved our complementarity and the electric attraction between us. I wanted to be with that a little bit longer.
In her most recent email, the one where she explained her need to table me for now, she asked me to go to her blog to read something she'd shared, and tell her what I thought of it. The topic was something intellectual that we have in common, but it was all written on the blog that she uses for her professional dominatrix persona. In other words, this intellectual, academic piece was surrounded by dominant fantasies and words and the general presence of her extremely attractive dominance. Oh, and photos of her. So even though I knew she was appealing to our intellectual connection rather than our D/s connection when she asked me to read and share my thoughts on her piece, I couldn't get through it. It was too distracting, and maybe even a little bit painful, to be in that virtual environment.
I had this yearning, you see... I wanted to go to this part of my sexual self. The bisexual part, and the submissive part. I wanted to try it out again. Gerard used to play the dominant role in my life a lot more, before he moved in and "us" got more complex and messy and emotional. I thought if I experienced it with her for a little while, it would help me figure out just what I wanted with that kind of sex within my relationship. My main relationship.
But anyway, I can't blame her for her choice. I want her to be happy. I don't know her that well, but I know that finding a long-term partner is more important than getting off with someone that you know will never be serious about you. I'm crossing my fingers, though, that she wants a little bit of casual playtime now and then while she's on the road to finding her love. And I told her that I want to stay in touch even if we never end up in her bed together again. Sigh.
I have to respect her for being honest with me, and for her reasons for backing away. She said that even though she enjoys playing around, she's realized that her real goal is to have a long-term partner. So because of that she's not sure how she feels about casual play anymore. She's also in graduate school, and she has a lot on her plate right now. She asked me if we could talk about it again in a month, giving her some time to figure out what she feels and wants.
So I totally get where she's coming from. Don't we all want that kind of connection in our lives? It's true that casual playing around can distract a person from the quest for an actual partner, and I would never want to deny her that. But wow, am I disappointed.
She emailed me after that last meeting, you know, and said that there were a lot of things she was interested in doing with me. Oral sex, she mentioned, and fucking me with her strap-on, and discipline-related stuff. Being with her was so exhilarating; I was imagining what I would wear when next I saw her, and fantasizing about what she might want me to wear. I didn't even try to imagine what it would be like to be fucked by her-- I was saving that until the moment when I could actually experience it and know. I loved our age difference-- she's nine years older than me, just like Gerard-- and I loved our complementarity and the electric attraction between us. I wanted to be with that a little bit longer.
In her most recent email, the one where she explained her need to table me for now, she asked me to go to her blog to read something she'd shared, and tell her what I thought of it. The topic was something intellectual that we have in common, but it was all written on the blog that she uses for her professional dominatrix persona. In other words, this intellectual, academic piece was surrounded by dominant fantasies and words and the general presence of her extremely attractive dominance. Oh, and photos of her. So even though I knew she was appealing to our intellectual connection rather than our D/s connection when she asked me to read and share my thoughts on her piece, I couldn't get through it. It was too distracting, and maybe even a little bit painful, to be in that virtual environment.
I had this yearning, you see... I wanted to go to this part of my sexual self. The bisexual part, and the submissive part. I wanted to try it out again. Gerard used to play the dominant role in my life a lot more, before he moved in and "us" got more complex and messy and emotional. I thought if I experienced it with her for a little while, it would help me figure out just what I wanted with that kind of sex within my relationship. My main relationship.
But anyway, I can't blame her for her choice. I want her to be happy. I don't know her that well, but I know that finding a long-term partner is more important than getting off with someone that you know will never be serious about you. I'm crossing my fingers, though, that she wants a little bit of casual playtime now and then while she's on the road to finding her love. And I told her that I want to stay in touch even if we never end up in her bed together again. Sigh.
Monday, April 4, 2011
exploring
"You should come sit over here," she said, patting the bed. She lives in a beautiful, well-kept studio apartment, and the bed was on the opposite side of the room from the couch, where I sat. I stood up and walked over, sat where she had gestured.
She looked at me for a moment, then commented, "You said you were going to take off your top."
"Oh. I did, yes." I sat there for a moment, and then I grabbed my top and pulled it off quickly, dropped it in a pile on the arm of the couch. I looked up at her, waiting to see what would come next.
I feel this jerkiness and lack of flow as I describe these events. And I felt that in the moment, too, although it didn't feel as awkward as it now sounds. I knew I wanted her, so I was propelled forward by my desire, and by the fact that there was no reason not to. But it was kind of new for me. Unfamiliar. I'd never had this kind of rapid meeting and ending up in bed before. And I'm still pretty inexperienced with women. And I haven't explored more than Gerard and I's fairly tame version of dominance and submission in years-- but here I was with an experienced dominatrix who wanted to have her way with me.
She stood in front of me and smiled broadly, but not at me. It was more private, as if she had her own personal joke that I wasn't in on, as if I wouldn't be able to understand it if she told me what it was anyway. She pushed me back onto the bed, and then climbed on top of me so that she was straddling my waist. She pinned my wrists over my head and, from her overhead position, regarded me thoughtfully.
She pulled my arms down to my sides then, and pinned my wrists under her knees. That was the moment when I was reminded that she is experienced and skilled-- I have been pinned down in painful ways more times than I can remember, but this particular method of restraint was entirely comfortable. I didn't even wonder if I would eventually lose feeling in my wrists, because I knew I wouldn't.
It's hard to tell the story in a linear way after that, because I really let go and just experienced it. I know that she went quickly to my breasts, grabbing them and pinching my nipples, enjoying my sighs and yelps. I know that she put her hands on my neck, and I know that she tapped my cheek with that in-between level of force that isn't quite a slap but would be with just a little more energy in it. I remember gazing up at her face, admiring her until she told me that it wasn't polite to stare.
One of my favorite moments was the one when she moved to my side and grabbed me by my left elbow and left knee, then easily lifted me up on to her lap before flipping me over to my stomach. Strength and confidence-- they just ooze out of her. So hot. By then my jeans were off, and she unclasped my bra once I was face-down, and later pulled my panties off too. She ran her hands over my back, but paid most attention to my bottom, spanking and grabbing and generally exploring.
It was all teasing, really. Just stimulating me ever so slightly, physically and mentally... she kept laughing, again like it was all a joke that I wasn't in on. At one point she leaned down as if to kiss me, and then stopped just before our lips met. I had that sweet feeling of yearning, where I wanted to feel her lips on mine so badly and yet was afraid to initiate. Eventually I tried it ever so slightly... she let me kiss her lightly before pulling away and then coming close again. She allowed the slightest little kisses. I enjoyed the feeling of being deprived, of being subject to her limits, and of yearning and vulnerability.
She draped my beaded necklace into my mouth, and I felt the silliness of its presence there, but I soaked it up... like a very gentle type of erotic embarrassment. I heard her doing something over my head-- she had me pinned in a different way now, such that I couldn't see anything that was going on. It wasn't until much later, after she let me up, that I saw that she was wearing black latex gloves. They were really striking in appearance. With them on her hands, she began to explore my body more intimately. She never exactly penetrated me, but she poked around quite a bit, making me feel objectified and incredibly aroused.
Oh, and she never let me come. Just teasing. The whole time.
Later, she told me that she'd been very close to getting her strap-on out of the closet. We've decided to meet soon to discuss limits and desires. Gerard says he's happy to be able to give me an adventure that fits into his comfort zone... we've also had a lot more sex since that night than we've had in quite some time. So this seems to be working well for everyone. I absolutely can't wait to see her again and explore some more. How lucky am I to have a skilled, sexy, attractive dominant woman be into me, and a loving boyfriend who welcomes me to go out and explore?
She looked at me for a moment, then commented, "You said you were going to take off your top."
"Oh. I did, yes." I sat there for a moment, and then I grabbed my top and pulled it off quickly, dropped it in a pile on the arm of the couch. I looked up at her, waiting to see what would come next.
I feel this jerkiness and lack of flow as I describe these events. And I felt that in the moment, too, although it didn't feel as awkward as it now sounds. I knew I wanted her, so I was propelled forward by my desire, and by the fact that there was no reason not to. But it was kind of new for me. Unfamiliar. I'd never had this kind of rapid meeting and ending up in bed before. And I'm still pretty inexperienced with women. And I haven't explored more than Gerard and I's fairly tame version of dominance and submission in years-- but here I was with an experienced dominatrix who wanted to have her way with me.
She stood in front of me and smiled broadly, but not at me. It was more private, as if she had her own personal joke that I wasn't in on, as if I wouldn't be able to understand it if she told me what it was anyway. She pushed me back onto the bed, and then climbed on top of me so that she was straddling my waist. She pinned my wrists over my head and, from her overhead position, regarded me thoughtfully.
She pulled my arms down to my sides then, and pinned my wrists under her knees. That was the moment when I was reminded that she is experienced and skilled-- I have been pinned down in painful ways more times than I can remember, but this particular method of restraint was entirely comfortable. I didn't even wonder if I would eventually lose feeling in my wrists, because I knew I wouldn't.
It's hard to tell the story in a linear way after that, because I really let go and just experienced it. I know that she went quickly to my breasts, grabbing them and pinching my nipples, enjoying my sighs and yelps. I know that she put her hands on my neck, and I know that she tapped my cheek with that in-between level of force that isn't quite a slap but would be with just a little more energy in it. I remember gazing up at her face, admiring her until she told me that it wasn't polite to stare.
One of my favorite moments was the one when she moved to my side and grabbed me by my left elbow and left knee, then easily lifted me up on to her lap before flipping me over to my stomach. Strength and confidence-- they just ooze out of her. So hot. By then my jeans were off, and she unclasped my bra once I was face-down, and later pulled my panties off too. She ran her hands over my back, but paid most attention to my bottom, spanking and grabbing and generally exploring.
It was all teasing, really. Just stimulating me ever so slightly, physically and mentally... she kept laughing, again like it was all a joke that I wasn't in on. At one point she leaned down as if to kiss me, and then stopped just before our lips met. I had that sweet feeling of yearning, where I wanted to feel her lips on mine so badly and yet was afraid to initiate. Eventually I tried it ever so slightly... she let me kiss her lightly before pulling away and then coming close again. She allowed the slightest little kisses. I enjoyed the feeling of being deprived, of being subject to her limits, and of yearning and vulnerability.
She draped my beaded necklace into my mouth, and I felt the silliness of its presence there, but I soaked it up... like a very gentle type of erotic embarrassment. I heard her doing something over my head-- she had me pinned in a different way now, such that I couldn't see anything that was going on. It wasn't until much later, after she let me up, that I saw that she was wearing black latex gloves. They were really striking in appearance. With them on her hands, she began to explore my body more intimately. She never exactly penetrated me, but she poked around quite a bit, making me feel objectified and incredibly aroused.
Oh, and she never let me come. Just teasing. The whole time.
Later, she told me that she'd been very close to getting her strap-on out of the closet. We've decided to meet soon to discuss limits and desires. Gerard says he's happy to be able to give me an adventure that fits into his comfort zone... we've also had a lot more sex since that night than we've had in quite some time. So this seems to be working well for everyone. I absolutely can't wait to see her again and explore some more. How lucky am I to have a skilled, sexy, attractive dominant woman be into me, and a loving boyfriend who welcomes me to go out and explore?
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