I've found this difference between Gerard and I to be challenging right from the first few months of our relationship. Though apparently we are not unusual-- most couples usually have one of each type. And of course, the source of these feelings and behaviors go back to early, early childhood. People who are like me generally didn't get enough snuggling and doting from their parents, and people like Gerard didn't get enough space to grow and be separate from their parents. (I'm not suggesting that Gerard or I or anyone, necessarily, was abused or has terrible pathology because of such parental missteps-- it's fairly easy for parents to mess this up in at least some way.) And, like everything that happens when we're under 5 years old, it has a pretty strong effect on who we become and what happens in our intimate relationships as adults.
Lately, Gerard and I have been looking more closely at our disparate needs and tendencies in the context of arguments. Every time that we have an argument, even a ridiculous one-- and we have a lot of the ridiculous ones, being on top of each other almost 24/7 in this teeny apartment-- we both immediately feel a strong pull to our respective sides of this issue. Gerard says, "I'm mad, you have to give me space," and I say, "I'm upset, you have to talk with me to work this out."
I don't mind telling you that Gerard tends to get a little bit self-righteous in these situations. "Anyone will tell you that my way is healthier," he said once. Of course, I did my best to correct him. But it was hard to get it through his head that it's just as difficult for me to give him an hour of space (overcoming my anxiety and need to have things feel okay again) as it is for him to give me any reasonable discussion when he feels unable to overcome his anger and desire to be alone. And I guess it was his lack of understanding (combined with some defensiveness) that kept him from seeing my side, and how we were both asking each other for something very difficult and contrary to our natural ways of being.
I worried, as I am wont to do, that we'd end up at an impasse. Gerard was being really stubborn, insisting that he wasn't capable of adjusting his behavior, and I told him I wasn't willing to always do it his way. When he needs space and I'm really upset, I often spend the entire duration of "space" crying-- and I can't sign up for having to do that every time we have a little tiff. I held my ground insistently, and I didn't see how it could be resolved. We went to bed and didn't touch each other all night.
But then in the morning Gerard made me waffles. And he said, "We've never talked about the problem in this way before. This is a new insight, and I think just knowing it will help us to do better. Everything's going to be fine. I would do anything-- anything I can-- for you, and I know we'll work this out."
Most reasoning about childhood experiences seems circuitous to me. A needy child will feel it’s not getting enough attention, even with quite attentive parents. Likewise with innately independent or easily overwhelmed children: they will tend to feel smothered. Later that feeling will be used to explain where the neediness or distance came from… when it was what came first.
ReplyDeleteSuch traits seem inborn as predispositions, and childhood merely finds ways to expose and to compound them, to shape their expression – and rarely, to attenuate them. But it doesn’t create them (short of outright trauma).
Oh, I totally disagree with you, edge. If it were just what we were born with then we wouldn't have so much conflict over it. And, it wouldn't be possible to have some soothing and change. All children are born with the need to first (before they start walking) be mirrored and attended to and then a bit later (when they first start walking) to be allowed to assert their independence, meaning run away and come back repeatedly. (You can see all babies do this when they are this age.) It's essential to the development of their emotional selves. Different children need it to different degrees, and it's a parent's job to tune in as much as they are able and give what the child needs. There's no way for the parent to avoid making mistakes completely, but those mistakes still effect the child's experience of intimacy and relationships.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why the reasoning seems circuitous to you. There is lots of research to back these things up. There's also no reason to believe that children would be born feeling a deficit of love or independence, just out of nowhere. The science says that we're biologically programmed to adore our parents and believe that they do no wrong. A child feels needy because he/she has needs.
I also have to add, because of what you said about trauma-- there is a lot of new research about trauma, especially on what is called "little t trauma." This type of trauma is often harder to treat than "big t trauma" (which refers to stuff like being raped or being part of a terrorist attack). Little t trauma comes from the subtle ways that caregivers don't come through for their children over the course of childhood, especially those early years, and it has major effects on the body, on brain chemistry, and sometimes even on brain growth and development. Not brains that these children are born with-- brains that have changed over time because of being traumatized by not having healthy attachment.
Anyway, if you ever feel an interest in learning more about why the experts don't believe any of this stuff is based on predisposition, you could do some reading on little t trauma and attachment theory. Both are fascinating (if not sometimes challenging) to read about. :) Thanks for your comment!
I did expect you would disagree. :-) Admittedly, I’m but a dabbler whereas it’s your area of of training.
ReplyDeleteHowever.
“Different children need it to different degrees” – that’s exactly my point. Babies all have the same needs, sure, but not to the same degrees. They don’t start out as carbon copies to be shaped purely by experience. Visit a nursery and you will find they have distinct personalities from the first moment, malleable though they may be yet. Some are born quiet, some are born rambunctious; and so on.
What I mean is that experiences get interpreted in light of the different degrees of a child’s needs; that dispositions are seeds that the environment exacerbates or mutes. That the things that may subtly traumatise one child, another will not be affected by at all.
I’m not discounting the effect of nurture over nature – I see them in a dance of mutual reinforcement (and rarely, abatement).
Without having gone into depth on the research, that does not seem incompatible with the findings about the influence of experience to me. I’ll take a look, though.