But there are some specific feelings and tones that I want to go along with my spankings. It's not just about the physical sensation for me-- the fantasy involves certain attitudes and motivations in addition to the bottom-smacking. I'm aware that some partners might struggle with my craving for a paternalistic tone along with the physical act... though, luckily for me, Gerard does not. It took him a few months to really get on board with my kink, but once he did so, he never looked back. I now have no doubt that the spankings I receive from him are just as pleasurable for him as they are for me.
Still, valiant good-giving-game partner though he may be, Gerard doesn't always get every bit of the mood-setting and fantasy words exactly right. And I've noticed that when we have sex less often, I need the sex that we do have to be more on-the-mark in order for me to really enjoy it. So I told him I'd write up a little blog entry where I'd give him some examples of things that I want to hear, words that would really do it for me when we're moving towards coitus. I thought that would be a fun and sexy thing to share. And for simplicity's sake, I thought I'd just present it with questions I might ask him in such moments, or "protestations" that I might make, followed by the best answer that I'd hope to hear from him.
Here goes.
Are you going to spank me?
Yes. (This one isn't complicated-- I'd rather hear "yes" than any kind of more role-play-like answer. Though that doesn't mean I want this to be the end of the conversation...)
But why are you going to spank me?
Because I think it's the right thing for you right now. It was your responsibility to do x, and you didn't do it. You know that means that you're going to end up over my knee.
Now, sometimes Gerard will spank me because I've done something "wrong," like leaving the bathroom a mess or forgetting to do something I promised. Other times, he will spank me because I am behaving in a moody way, and he knows that a spanking will help me to feel centered. So in those cases, here's a different response:
Because I think it's the right thing for you right now. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that I have things under control, and that I can take care of you. And sometimes taking care of you means spanking your cute little bottom-- even if you say you don't like it. And I'm not going to stop until I think you understand that.
No, please don't use the paddle!
I know that you don't like this paddle, baby, but that's why I'm going to use it. I think you need a stronger message than what I can portray with just my hand.
But I don't want you to spank me.
This isn't about what you want, it's about what you need. You put me in charge of deciding when you need to be spanked, and I say that right now you need to be spanked-- until your bottom is very pink and sore.
Not fair!
This part of our relationship isn't supposed to be fair. And while I kind of enjoy how cute it is when you pout, in the long run it's probably just going to get you spanked even harder.
Ow! That's enough-- it hurts!
I know it hurts-- that's the point. I want this to help you remember that I'm keeping my eye on you, and that I want you to be a good girl. Do you think you're going to remember that, or am I going to be taking you over my knee again tomorrow night?
Hmmm... I think that's all I can think of for now, just as a general starting point. Basically I like him to be firm but very loving, and a little bit condescending. I like hearing that he's giving me what he thinks I need, and that he's thinking about taking care of me. And I like hearing that he thinks I'm cute.
This little list is nowhere near exhaustive, of course, and that makes me think this: I know I have some readers who love giving or receiving a good spanking as much as Gerard and I. Do you want to share any key words or phrases that push your buttons, or that seem to have a powerful effect on your partner?
But I don't want you to spank me.
This isn't about what you want, it's about what you need. You put me in charge of deciding when you need to be spanked, and I say that right now you need to be spanked-- until your bottom is very pink and sore.
Not fair!
This part of our relationship isn't supposed to be fair. And while I kind of enjoy how cute it is when you pout, in the long run it's probably just going to get you spanked even harder.
Ow! That's enough-- it hurts!
I know it hurts-- that's the point. I want this to help you remember that I'm keeping my eye on you, and that I want you to be a good girl. Do you think you're going to remember that, or am I going to be taking you over my knee again tomorrow night?
Hmmm... I think that's all I can think of for now, just as a general starting point. Basically I like him to be firm but very loving, and a little bit condescending. I like hearing that he's giving me what he thinks I need, and that he's thinking about taking care of me. And I like hearing that he thinks I'm cute.
This little list is nowhere near exhaustive, of course, and that makes me think this: I know I have some readers who love giving or receiving a good spanking as much as Gerard and I. Do you want to share any key words or phrases that push your buttons, or that seem to have a powerful effect on your partner?
Hi Aurelia, and welcome to the neighborhood!
ReplyDeleteI love your answers. They would certainly work well for me.
My husband uses all sorts of different approaches while spanking me - sometimes gruff, sometimes encouraging, sometimes silly, sometimes matter-of-fact, and sometimes silent. I've written accounts of many of our spankings for my blog. If this would be helpful for you, I would welcome your visit.
In any case, I wish you well with your spanking explorations and your new blog!
With warm regards,
Bonnie
I'm a fellow submissive with a wicked love for spanking, so I completely get this. I also love the paternal role-- I think that's pretty obvious if you read my blog. ;)
ReplyDeleteI really get off to apologizing for whatever I've done; the spankings that I get are not tame at all, so I really do mean it when I say that I'm sorry. I just like really feeling that it's a correction or an act used to center me. That's what really makes me love them.
I can't think of any particular phrases that have to do with spanking, but I do love a sort of matter-of-fact tone. I like it when Murre sort of walks me through what she's doing to me. And, ooo, I especially like it if I'm bound (or even if I'm not) and she tells me how helpless I am.
ReplyDeleteMaybe my melty phrase would be: "There's nothing you can do about it."
Hi Aurelia.
ReplyDeleteYour words and phrases sound very exciting. I think the language and tone makes all the difference to a submissive scene. The word "spank" alone can be a big turn-on. I also think "bottom" is the most appropriate word for that tender, cheeky part of my anatomy. Words like butt and ass turn me off in that context.
Hi Aurelia,
ReplyDeleteAs a man who wasn't into it at all, but now in a relationship that incorporates spanking and submission, I find this subject very touchy. I'm the newbie and she's the spanko; naturally she's going to have a list of things in your head that she'd like to hear - she's the one who has been thinking about this since puberty and I'm the newcomer. I've had a hard time with what to say during spankings, an easy time with the physicality of the task (and I do enjoy it). I don't like the idea that she's giving me a script. I think of it like this:
(My partner:) "Dominate me!
No, like this!
No you've got it all wrong!
Can't you dominate me the way I want to be dominated!?"
(Of course I'm exaggerating).
My heart rate goes up just writing this. Who's dominating whom?
I don't want our relationship to be a fake - if I'm being consensually allowed (asked?) to take the reins, I don't want that to just be a facade, I don't at all like feeling that I'm a puppet.
I sure would appreciate others' insight on this subject although maybe your blog's comment list isn't the right place to bring it up. On the other hand, maybe you, Gerard or your readers have some feeling about the issue that you or they may want to write about. It sure may help me and I'd appreciate it.
Thanks.
Hi David,
ReplyDeleteAny discussion is welcome here, so hopefully some others will check back and contribute a bit more.
I understand what you're saying about not being told how to dominate... it can start to feel manipulative to hear, "Tell me what to do! No, not like that!" However, Gerard and I have been together for over two years, and we lasted for a long time on whatever came naturally to him. Then we started to hit a bit of a lull where we didn't feel like we were connecting quite as well. So I asked him if he would like me to be specific about the type of language that would most get me going, and he said yes. I asked him if he minded if I made it a blog post, and he said that sounded great.
It can be a lot all at once to have your partner ask you to be dominant and then to give you a script on top of that. I think a more gradual approach can be easier. (And that's what Gerard and I have had.)
On the other hand, we're not talking about anything super serious here. This is sex-- it's play for adults. I think we can get caught up in that question of "who's dominating whom?" and "are we really behaving appropriately for our roles?" when the point of this stuff is supposed to be fun and enrichment and bonding. Regardless of what role you and your partner like to play, you both want the other one to have sexual satisfaction, right? And you're willing to roleplay to get there. So why not go about it in the way that will work best for her? Assuming that she would do the same for you when it comes to your interests, this is just part of being a "good, giving, game" sex partner.
It seems like you might have a sensitivity around the idea of being manipulated. Gerard has this too... sometimes he will accuse me of trying to control him when I haven't said anything more than, "Did you finish washing the dishes?" I think it's a good idea to let your partner know that you have this sensitivity, and that her list of needs regarding spankings is triggering that sensitivity for you. Ask her to take it slow with giving you every detail of what she needs, and to be patient so that you can find your own way at first. Perhaps she could give you an actual list, and you could read it over when you're ready and see what feels good for you too, and she would just have to be patient about letting you integrate as you were able.
I just think the main thing is not to forget that the point of ALL of it is connection and pleasure. So it's okay if her direct communication of what would make her feel connected and pleasured ends up triggering you... but my bet is that you'd like to overcome that for the sake of having the most connection and pleasure possible. And that you'd like to have similar patience and persistence from her when it comes to YOUR desires and turn-ons.