sunny days

It's gotten to that time of year right before Daylight Savings Time begins, when the mornings are really sunny.  In our cold climate, it's still really cold-- but the birds are starting to sing in the mornings, and the sunshine is bringing people outside.  Gerard and I live in a first-floor apartment with our bedroom windows looking out on the street, and we often hear little strollers or scooters going by in the early hours of sunshine, adorable under-5-year-olds emitting cute comments to their parents or nannies.  I'm getting out of bed earlier now, sometimes earlier than Gerard, and writing in my journal or prepping breakfast for both of us.  And it's so weird to realize what a change this is.

Without getting into details about why, I would like to share that I'm a VERY educated consumer when it comes to the topic of mental health.  And I've always avoided psychopharmacology because... well, even though I know I've always been sort of anxious, I always felt like I knew what the problem was stemming from, and I wanted to work it out psychically instead of using meds.

I already mentioned all this in a previous post-- but basically the stressors of unemployment were too much, I was feeling unbelievably miserable without pause, and I knew it was time.  And now that I'm feeling so much better, I'm shocked by the change.  Gerard has stopped commenting about how different I seem, but I've slowly been considering his perspective, as he's expressed it over the course of many months.  Especially since we moved in together last summer, he's often said that he thinks of me as a pessimistic person.  And that always felt so strange, because I've always considered myself to be pretty sunny.

Here's the thing, though.  My life has been very clearly the opposite of sunny for a while.  I've been pretty slammed for the past several years, and just trying to pull myself out of it.  And so it sort of makes sense that I became someone who seemed kind of dark, and that I presented myself that way when Gerard and I met and for most of our relationship so far.

Four years ago, I was engaged and had been living with a man for three years.  The wedding was six months away (invitations already printed) when suddenly one day he went into a rage and threw me out of the house, asking for the ring back, canceling everything.  One month later my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I got a new job and moved to a city near my parents, and four months later I was fired after I tried to stop some unethical behavior in the department I was responsible for. Two weeks after that, my mom was pronounced terminal and brought home on hospice.  For a little over a month, I took care of her at her home, until she finally died.  She was only 56 years old.

Then I spent a year grieving heavily.  For that entire first year, I was constantly sick with all kinds of crazy ailments, and I was an emotional wreck.  I started working very part-time about a month and a half after my mother died, and then slowly added more working time to my week as I could.  I met Gerard while I was trying to stabilize myself... understand my grieving and also continue to put my life together in some way.  And I continued to do that during the first year of our relationship.  There were all the anniversaries, there was the trauma of my father starting a new relationship... but I was getting through those things.  I felt like I was starting to move towards being firmly planted as of this time last year.  And then I lost my job (a job I loved).  It just brought back all the waves of loss.  And then Gerard moved in, and we had all this adjusting to do... well.  It's been a difficult four years.

I know I haven't been sunny during this whole time.  How could I have been, honestly?  I shouldn't be surprised.  But starting to feel sunny now makes me realize the difference.  And I don't mind if it's drug-induced, because I need a reminder of the person that I'm able to be.  I need Gerard to see that the girl he fell in love with isn't always so dark.  It makes him feel more secure about us, and more loved, and that's better for me too!  With these boosts, I think I can make my dreams happen, and then I can go off of the meds and enter a world without crises waiting around every corner.  And that will be a welcome change.