Well, it's been hard to write for the last couple of weeks. I really hit a dark spot, and didn't quite know what to do with myself. Ranting here helped me, of course... and I also made a decision to try going on anti-anxiety medication. My work has picked up enough to give me motivation to keep pushing forward, and I'm considering going back to school for another degree. That would at least keep me busy, right?
Going on the meds was a much less difficult decision than I was expecting. I've always been kind of an anxious person, but I wanted to push my way through with psychotherapy rather than using a chemical fix. Still, despite my resistance in the past, it was very easy for me to just go for it this time. I was down so low, I knew it was time. And, weirdly enough, it seems to have made an impact. I don't really feel any differently... but Gerard says that he has noticed a change. Things that would have upset me two weeks ago are rolling right by, he says, and I'm smiling more. Also, I've stopped struggling with insomnia. So I'm grateful for the change. Although I still feel anxious, physically, I'm apparently much less reactive and irritable than I have been. And that has the potential to make a big difference in multiple areas of my life.
February is almost over, and Gerard and I have only had two fights. This is a record for us since he moved in last summer. And, the fights were less escalated than they have been in the past. I'm embarrassed to say that, often in the past, we've gotten so freaked out about how upset we are that one or both of us starts talking about what it would mean to break up. But we stayed calm this month, and focused on our commitment to each other, even when we were both scared. That's big.
So, I'm continuing to work on life, trying to keep my head up. It makes a difference when there are little things giving me validation along the way. My dog is doing much better, at last. I've even found a less expensive option for medicating her, which is a relief. I've also recently made some new friends.
We're already getting reminders of the upcoming windiness of March. Though I hate the bitterness of wind chill, I'm trying to think of it symbolically: Let the wind blow away the bad stuff, and blow in the new opportunities and elevated moods. I'm ready.
I'm so glad you gave the anti-anxiety meds a try. I remember when I first went o Prozac. I'm very sensitive to meds, so react faster than most people. The very first day, I said in wonderment: "I feel like myself!"
ReplyDeleteAnd it's not that they're a substitute for psychotherapy. Rather, they can stabilize things enough that you can actually do the work. I'm glad that you're already seeing results.
I'm glad, too, about your dog. I know too well how a sick pet can add to general stress, not to mention the cost of medication when you're already broke. Boy, do I know.
And now, despite today's reminder that it is still winter, we can look ahead to spring and rebirth. Good luck to you both!
o.g.
Well, o.g. took the words right out of my mouth. I am not a big fan of medications to solve problems but when they can create a steady ground and foundation to allow real resolving work to be done, then they can be a useful tool. I think sometimes we get to treading water and can't swim, I am glad you took the step to give yourself a hand up.
ReplyDeleteHappy to hear things are beginning to look up. I know you are a scrapper and will prevail.
So glad things are on the up... life tends to have a momentum, so if you can point it in the general direction you want, it tends to carry on going that way!
ReplyDelete'And it's not that they're a substitute for psychotherapy. Rather, they can stabilize things enough that you can actually do the work'
absolutely. I went on prosac too, funily enough, when i was teen - 18?19? i was so sick of the mood swings. Prosac gave me a break from it, enough to stop the pendulum osiclating so wildly!